I have been trying to process and feel as many buried emotions that I can. I have the idea that one can work through all the denied and buried emotions to get to where they do not affect ones behavior anymore. I do not know anyone in person who has done this though I have listened to two men who have talked about doing this themselves. They are Greg Paul from ‘The Sovereign’s Way’ and Alan John Miller, from DivineTruth.com. They talk about their own experience doing this and how when they come out of the experience after feeling all those feelings they come out as a free man. They said that it can be done, it may take awhile but any feelings can be felt without them killing us. All those repressed and denied feelings bind one because one is not allowing what is to come to light. If one is not honest about ones emotional state one cannot be free of the past hurts.
The past number of weeks this feeling of buried emotions has been what I have been most concerned about in my day-to-day life.
I have learned that it may be difficult to access stuff that happened when growing up because of the fears and anger we carry. I have a lot of fear that I can recognize though I don’t seem to have much anger though I know I may be repressing that.
I have been actively encouraging myself to feel the fears that I have. This was difficult at first but getting a little easier to access. When I do feel a bit of fear I usually find myself thinking about ways to manage the fear until I realize what I am doing and then I switch to feeling the fear instead. I will deeply breathe into it and after a few minutes my body will start to shake, first my arms but if I keep going my whole body will shake. I am literally shaking with fear.
Sometimes the fear is about one particular thing happening in my life and I will just think about it when I begin breathing. Other times the fear is broader so I just try to remain with that feeling.
One of my biggest fear is the fear I have that if I tell people what I am going through they will think I am crazy. If I tell them the broader reasons for my process they will think I am delusional. I have lived my life with the fear of standing out too much from the crowd. I have done some things in my life that were not what normal people did but for some reason I didn’t get much blowback from my family or friends so maybe my fear is not as justified as I think. Or maybe they just thought that their crazy son, brother, or friend is at it again.
For whatever reason I have the fear of not wanting to make waves and not standing out apart from the normal cultural values. This feeling shows up in a number of ways, like when I want to make some strong statements in a meeting I attend when in the past I have not been outspoken much at all. When a topic comes up with family or friends and it touches on this ‘new’ way of looking at things I am fearful about what I can say. And fearful because this process could lead to bigger changes I may want to make in my life so making changes and communicating that change could be quite fearful.
If I make changes I will most likely be criticized in some circles. Fear of criticism is directly related to how I was treated when I was growing up. I had little self worth so any criticisms brought up the negative feelings I had about myself.
The past couple of days I have had these types of childhood issues coming out as well. I listened to music while at work the past two days and some songs can allow me to feel a buried emotion and I will start crying. I have been crying every day for a few weeks. I am just trying to allow these feelings to come up. It is very good where I am working because I am there alone and they have a really good stereo and lots of CD’s. George Harrison’s ‘My Guitar Gently Weeps’ is very good. I am able to take as much time as I need to process stuff. I work as I feel like working.
When feeling family stuff I rarely have a memory of an event, it is just a strong emotion. Both parents said very little to me, the repression and denial was all just ‘thick in the air’.
here’s a great song and video
Thank you for your comment Jonathan
To be identified with a mortal meat-body is hell-deep terrifying.
Where there is a presumed other fear spontaneously arises. The presumed other thus becomes objectified.. Whatever is other to you thus becomes your enemy resulting in a fight-to-the-death-struggle for power-and-control over the presumed other.
The Christian belief system is fear based all-the-way-down because it presumes three things.
1. We are inherently separated from God.
2. We are inherently separated from the natural world and the Cosmos altogether.
3. We are inherently separate from each other and all other living beings.