So, I have been refereeing hockey, sometimes 6 games a week, some of the games I do by myself where there is normally two referees. We have been looking for another body to fill in on some of the games but very few men or women want to do this ‘job’.
Possibly they don’t want to do any refereeing because of what has been happening with me over the past few weeks.
One of the teams is made up of some Native Canadian players, I have no idea how many are Native Canadians because not everyone who is Native Canadian looks like a native person. My sons have native blood in them, as their mother is a Status Indian, but they don’t look native at all.
A few weeks ago a man from that team approached me after the end of a game and explained to me that I shouldn’t continue to be biased as a lot of men might become angry. I tried to talk to him about what he said but he wouldn’t listen to anything I was to say, he just wanted to tell me off.
Now he didn’t call me racist but I can surmise that he thought I was calling too many penalties on his team and not enough for the other team because his team had Native Canadians on it. I could be wrong but I can’t see why he would make that point if he felt otherwise.
In that game I only called one penalty and it was against his team for a very obvious infraction. I think one penalty during a game does not a bias make. I can see if a team had say 6 penalties and the other team had none but this never happens. A game with a lot of penalties is one where there are four penalties called. Based on the number of penalties called there is no way I can be called biased because in no game during the past two years I have been doing this league I have never called more than 4 or 5 penalties. There is always a mixture of penalties between the two teams. Most games there are no penalties.
Based on this fact alone I am not biased or racist.
So why is this incident so important in my head?
After that initial game with that man’s comment, in every game so far he has made other comments about the quality of refereeing. He has not repeated anything about me being biased in my calls but he has made a point for other reasons, as if he thinks I am being personally vindictive to him.
After the last game where he became angry and threw his helmet violently off into his bench I have been thinking about what I can do about this situation.
I was going around and around in my head about how I could deal with it and what I could say or not say to him the next time something happened. After the helmet-throwing incident when he came over to me to criticize and complain I turned away and did not answer him. He doesn’t appear angry or swear at me, so there is nothing in his behavior that calls for a penalty.
So after a day or so of these thoughts going obsessively around in my head I finally got my thinking to the fact that the problem was not his behavior or what I was to do about it, the problem was what feelings were coming up in me that I didn’t want to feel. One way to not feel feelings is to think obsessively about what I can do. This ignores my feelings and focused attention on the so-called ‘unjust’ behavior I was experiencing.
So I started just feeling the feeling I was having without trying to think of a solution to get rid of it.
I did not like this time at all as the feeling I had was not a fun thing to feel. I was feeling shame. Shame that I am a flawed man and that I could never become whole because of the shame I have felt for a long, long time. Being questioned and criticized by another man brought these feelings to the forefront.
I had an idea that I had these feelings to feel but there is no way to intellectually get to these feelings. The only way is to become involved in a situation whereby these feelings come up.
This is what my soul is doing. Putting me in situations so that I can feel these feelings that I have been denying and covering up. This is the only way for me to get clear and free of these buried feelings.
After a time of feelings these feelings the obsessive thoughts were gone.
As I wrote before it is my addictions that cover up and suppress my feelings. I am here to report about the progress of my addiction watch.
I have not had alcohol for about a month till last evenings when we had dinner guests and I had some wine. I have watched only small amounts of TV or Internet over the past month. I am handling better my addictive behavior with other men and women with some setbacks (of course). I am more direct and honest and able to connect my behavior to my actual feelings rather than operating with any idea of pleasing another or doing something because I am ‘supposed’ to for whatever reason.
I have even gone for a number of days without caffeine. I should say that I do get a very small amount of caffeine in the two cups of decaffeinated I drink a day. But that is all. I was obsessively drinking decaffeinated tea with the hopes of getting a caffeine rush that never came and I have stopped that behavior.
I have severely limited the amount of reading I am doing. I did read one book that I had ordered before my realization of this ubiquitous addiction. Anytime now when I take a break from something and sit down I do not pick up something to read. In the past I would almost always read something in these situations. Now I have been just sitting and feeling my feelings.
I think these lessoning of addictions are what enabled my situation with the hockey player to develop because I was able to access feelings that I haven’t felt for a very long time. The day before the last hockey happening I was sitting at the place I was working and I cried for the lost little boy that I am. I was assessing feelings that I faintly remember from when I was a young boy.
I do not speak for ‘The Sovereign’s Way’; I am just sharing some of my experience that has come about because of TSW course and my relationship to it. https://thesovereignsway.com/law-for-mankind-options/?link=45555
Love this post Tim! Thanks so much for sharing it
Nice post. Way to put your thoughts, and especially feelings, out there. Many men are not comfortable in doing so.